Out of the Archives: My Idea of Theater Etiquette

I enjoy going to the movies, but there are a few things that I require.

1) I like to choose movies that are rated PG-13 or higher. Not because I enjoy nudity or foul language or blood and guts, but because I don't want to be in a room full of children (especially unattended children). When evening comes around, I have usually had my share of kids.

2) I have to get the big, refillable tub of popcorn with extra butter and a Diet Coke with crushed ice. If I can't get the treats, I may as well stay home and watch Netflix.

3) I prefer to sit on the very back row. I don't like people sitting behind me, mostly because I want to pig out on my popcorn in peace without feeling like people are saying "Holy cow. Look at that lady chow down. You'd think she hasn't eaten in a week."

4) I like to have empty chairs around me. I appreciate my personal space. What is it with people that think they need to sit so close anyway? Don and I can be the first and only two in the theater and, without fail, people come and sit in the row right in front of us.

Now, keeping the aforementioned in mind, let me describe my date night/ theater experience this week.

Monday night, Don and I chose to see 'The Adjustment Bureau'. We arrived early and paid a whopping nineteen dollars for a package deal...two tickets, one large refillable tub of popcorn with extra butter, 2 large, refillable Diet Coke's, and a package of Swedish Fish. (Not bad, huh?)

Although a few other people were already sitting in the theater, we were happy to see the back row was completely empty. Don and I no more than settled into our seats, when we looked up to see a couple coming straight toward us. "Great" I thought. "There are probably two hundred seats in here with only a dozen taken and these two are going to sit right by us?!"

I tried to concentrate on the movie, but was more worried about the two space invaders and how they were bound to notice that Don and I can put away an entire tub of popcorn by ourselves. Then, approximately three minutes into the movie, some dude sitting one row ahead of us, began laughing... loudly! "What's wrong with laughing during a movie?" you may be wondering. Well... nothing is wrong with laughing IF. IT'S. FUNNY. Have you seen 'The Adjustment Bureau'? It's not a comedy! At first, Don and I got a kick out of listening to the man laughing at humorless lines, but after awhile, it became annoying as hell. At one point, Don leaned over to me and said, "If this guy doesn't shut up soon, I'm going to suck Coke through my straw and spit it on him."

In the end, Hyena Man must have come down from his high or something, because he eventually stopped laughing. And, although I still felt paranoid about eating my popcorn, I was able to stop worrying about my husband wasting his perfectly good Diet Coke.

April Fool's Day Pranks/ Get Your Game On!

April Fool's Day is two weeks from today, so I'm sharing 30 Harmless Pesky Pranks courtesy of Amy at Lady Create a lot . Some of these are so funny, I wish I had known about them when my kids all lived at home.

Pesky pranks

1. Spray nozzle or taped faucets- take a rubber band and wind it tightly around the kitchen sink's spray nozzle and leave it aimed at the person. When they turn it on, they will get drenched.

2. Fingernail polish spill- take a piece of wax paper and a bottle of fingernail polish that you don't mind ruining. Spill out contents onto paper, let dry, peel paper off, and leave on victim's clothing or an important document.
3. Blue teeth/ numb mouth- put a small drop of food coloring in center of toothbrush. Make sure to use the same color as the bristles. ALSO, you could put some Oragel numbing gel deep in the base of the bristles.

4. Superglue shampoo lid shut. It will make them have to unscrew the lid.

5. Icy Hot/Bengay or thumbtack toilet seat- smear a small amount of Icy Hot or Bengay on toilet seat and wipe it mostly off so you can't tell it's there. TRUST ME, it doesn't take much for it to work. You could also line toilet seat with thumb tacks.

6. Block the remote signal with a piece of opaque tape.

7. Soap that won't lather- paint soap with clear fingernail polish and leave in the shower.

8. Glue end of tiolet paper roll onto itself so victim can't find it.

9. Glued-shut card- make a nice card for someone you owe a "thanks" to. Glue it shut so they can't open it.

10. Tape light switch down so they can't turn the light on.

11. Vaseline door knob- place a glob under the bottom of door know so you can't see it.

12. TP the bed- While victim is sleeping, roll TP under and over bed so when they wake up, they're stuck.

13. Place piles of confetti on top of ceiling fan blades so when it turns on, surprise. This one would be fun for someone's birthday, too.

14. Plastic wrap shampoo/salt shaker- Unscrew lids, place a small piece of plastic wrap over opening, replace lid, and tear off the excess evidence.

15. Karo syrup towel- It's clear, so you can't tell it's on there until it's too late.

16. Hair gel hand soap- replace your liquid hand soap with the same color of hair gel.

17. Can't use-it gel/hairspray/cologne- using a temporary glue or double-stick foam, stick most frequently-used items to counter top or bathroom cupboard so they're hard to pick up.

18. Whoopi cushion on chair... you could also use bubble wrap!

19. Shoe surprise- you can stick either legos, small water balloons, or frozen coins inside victims shoes.

20. Cereal box/candy bag swap-out in original packaging.

21. Bedroom doorTug of War- This prank can be pulled on two victims who have bedroom doors directly across the hall from each other (dorms usually work well for this). Use a rope to tie both door knobs to each other, with just enough slack to allow one door to open a crack. Then knock loudly on both doors at the same time. The victims will end up in a tug of war trying to get out.

22. Take a needle and thread and run it through every pair of underwear in the victim's drawer, so that they are attached in one long string. When they get dressed, they will grab one pair but end up with them all.

23. All Sewed Up- This prank has to be done to a very sound sleeper. While they are sleeping, sneak in and use a needle and thread to sew their pajamas to the bed.

24. Have A Cold One- If your victim wears the same hat every day, take it the night before, get it wet, and put it in the freezer. Right before the victim gets ready to leave, place the hat in the normal place. They will get a chilly surprise. You can also do this to a woman's bra.

25. Out is the New In- Turn your victim's backpack inside out. Wait until they're not around, then take everything out of their bag, turn it inside out and replace the items. Then wait for their surprised reaction.

26. Blast 'Em- Set the victim's TV to an obnoxious channel like Cartoon Network or the heavy metal channel, and turn the volume up to max volume. Now turn off the TV set. When your victim comes back and turns on the TV they will be surprised by a blast of loud programming.

27. Going Buggy- This one takes some prep time, but I think it would be cool. Take a picture of the top part of the kitchen counter. Go on the internet and search for a picture of a cockroach. Then, copy it on to the picture of the counter. Print out a few copies (cut off any extra white space), and place them on the counter. At first glance, your victim will think the kitchen is infested. This would be awesome to do to a germ-a-phobic friend. :)

28. The Run Around- Set this prank up ahead of time by letting the kids know you're planning on having some painting done in the house. Then, before they come home from school, put up two signs: on the front door - "Wet Paint - Use Back Door," on the back door - "Wet Paint - Use Front Door." Then see how many times they'll run around the house trying to get in.'

29. Set your friends/family up to think you've prepped a whole bunch a pranks for them... them do nothing and watch them nervously anticipate tricks that never happen all day. This is the lazy-holidayer's approach. Oh well, at least it's something!

30. While You Were Sleeping- Carefully paint the toenails/fingernails or draw eyeliner mustaches on your victim while they are sleeping. We did this to our kids last year. It was so awesome because they had no idea (about the mustaches) until they went in the bathroom to get ready! One of them didn't discover their pretty toenails until after school that day. Haha, got ya.

31. Job/Chore Chart Switch- If you have a job/chore chart in your home, change it up! Instead of their usual jobs, have them do things like: Bark like a dog 10 times, Pay the bills, Drive the kids to the park (great for young kids), Mow the lawn using scissors, Wash your clothes by hand, Sweep the driveway with a toothbrush, Jump on the trampoline without stopping for 20 minutes, Touch your nose with your tongue, Tickle Elmo, Count your toes, Sing an opera song--mom's choice, and more. Of course they know you're joking, you decide if you want to use things they can really do or not. My kids didn't end up doing any of them, but sure got the giggles while reading them! You can get creative and come up with whatever is funny to your family.
32. Have you ever heard of the Mento's and Diet Coke explosion experiment? Well, HERE'S a video showing how to turn it into a prank! So awesome! Just make sure it's done OUTSIDE! Maybe at an outdoor BBQ or something.

Last, but not least...

33. Set alarms & clocks ahead an hour- this one is probably the most important one. If you plan to do a bunch of time-consuming pranks, DO THIS FIRST. You don't have to do it to all the clocks, just the alarm or cell phone, and the bathroom/bedroom ones they see first.

Please, if you end up doing any of these pranks, drop me a note. I'd love to hear about it.

Getting Older Can Suck It, but Sisters are Special

My sister, who is a measly two years younger than I am, thinks it's funny to send sarcastic birthday cards to me every year. I have heard her talk about how she will spend hours in the greeting card department in pursuit of the "perfect" card, laughing and carrying on as she reads each one.

Since today is my birthday, I've decided to share a few of them with you. I hope you find each card as amusing as she did. Enjoy.

My Idea of Theater Etiquette

I enjoy going to the movies, but there are a few things that I require.

1) I like to choose movies that are rated PG-13 or higher. Not because I enjoy nudity or foul language or blood and guts, but because I don't want to be in a room full of children (especially unattended children). When evening comes around, I have usually had my share of kids.

2) I have to get the big, refillable tub of popcorn with extra butter and a Diet Coke with crushed ice. If I can't get the treats, I may as well stay home and watch Netflix.

3) I prefer to sit on the very back row. I don't like people sitting behind me, mostly because I want to pig out on my popcorn in peace without feeling like people are saying "Holy cow. Look at that lady chow down. You'd think she hasn't eaten in a week."

4) I like to have empty chairs around me. I appreciate my personal space. What is it with people that think they need to sit so close anyway? Don and I can be the first and only two in the theater and, without fail, people come and sit in the row right in front of us.

Now, keeping the aforementioned in mind, let me describe my date night/ theater experience this week.

Monday night, Don and I chose to see 'The Adjustment Bureau'. We arrived early and paid a whopping nineteen dollars for a package deal...two tickets, one large refillable tub of popcorn with extra butter, 2 large, refillable Diet Coke's, and a package of Swedish Fish. (Not bad, huh?)

Although a few other people were already sitting in the theater, we were happy to see the back row was completely empty. Don and I no more than settled into our seats, when we looked up to see a couple coming straight toward us. "Great" I thought. "There are probably two hundred seats in here with only a dozen taken and these two are going to sit right by us?!"

I tried to concentrate on the movie, but was more worried about the two space invaders and how they were bound to notice that Don and I can put away an entire tub of popcorn by ourselves. Then, approximately three minutes into the movie, some dude sitting one row ahead of us, began laughing... loudly! "What's wrong with laughing during a movie?" you may be wondering. Well... nothing is wrong with laughing IF. IT'S. FUNNY. Have you seen 'The Adjustment Bureau'? It's not a comedy! At first, Don and I got a kick out of listening to the man laughing at humorless lines, but after awhile, it became annoying as hell. At one point, Don leaned over to me and said, "If this guy doesn't shut up soon, I'm going to suck Coke through my straw and spit it on him."

In the end, Hyena Man must have come down from his high or something, because he eventually stopped laughing. And, although I still felt paranoid about eating my popcorn, I was able to stop worrying about my husband wasting his perfectly good Diet Coke.