Out of the Archives: My Idea of Theater Etiquette

I enjoy going to the movies, but there are a few things that I require.

1) I like to choose movies that are rated PG-13 or higher. Not because I enjoy nudity or foul language or blood and guts, but because I don't want to be in a room full of children (especially unattended children). When evening comes around, I have usually had my share of kids.

2) I have to get the big, refillable tub of popcorn with extra butter and a Diet Coke with crushed ice. If I can't get the treats, I may as well stay home and watch Netflix.

3) I prefer to sit on the very back row. I don't like people sitting behind me, mostly because I want to pig out on my popcorn in peace without feeling like people are saying "Holy cow. Look at that lady chow down. You'd think she hasn't eaten in a week."

4) I like to have empty chairs around me. I appreciate my personal space. What is it with people that think they need to sit so close anyway? Don and I can be the first and only two in the theater and, without fail, people come and sit in the row right in front of us.

Now, keeping the aforementioned in mind, let me describe my date night/ theater experience this week.

Monday night, Don and I chose to see 'The Adjustment Bureau'. We arrived early and paid a whopping nineteen dollars for a package deal...two tickets, one large refillable tub of popcorn with extra butter, 2 large, refillable Diet Coke's, and a package of Swedish Fish. (Not bad, huh?)

Although a few other people were already sitting in the theater, we were happy to see the back row was completely empty. Don and I no more than settled into our seats, when we looked up to see a couple coming straight toward us. "Great" I thought. "There are probably two hundred seats in here with only a dozen taken and these two are going to sit right by us?!"

I tried to concentrate on the movie, but was more worried about the two space invaders and how they were bound to notice that Don and I can put away an entire tub of popcorn by ourselves. Then, approximately three minutes into the movie, some dude sitting one row ahead of us, began laughing... loudly! "What's wrong with laughing during a movie?" you may be wondering. Well... nothing is wrong with laughing IF. IT'S. FUNNY. Have you seen 'The Adjustment Bureau'? It's not a comedy! At first, Don and I got a kick out of listening to the man laughing at humorless lines, but after awhile, it became annoying as hell. At one point, Don leaned over to me and said, "If this guy doesn't shut up soon, I'm going to suck Coke through my straw and spit it on him."

In the end, Hyena Man must have come down from his high or something, because he eventually stopped laughing. And, although I still felt paranoid about eating my popcorn, I was able to stop worrying about my husband wasting his perfectly good Diet Coke.