Sunday, March 13, 2011

10 Proven Ways to Know When Someone is an Alcoholic/ Guest Post by Chase Lancaster

My mother has been hassling me, day in and day out, to write a "guest blog" for her. I have finally come up with an idea that I hope you'll find amusing.

For almost 3 years, I’ve been working for the DABC (Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control, yeah fancy huh?) During this time, I have noticed a vast difference between alcoholics, winos and drunks.

Alcoholics walk into the store and straight to their drink of choice. They know exactly how much their bottle will cost, and usually reek of their drink .

Winos are typically elderly and/or snobby, very picky about what wines they purchase, and seem to enjoy the store's carryout policy, abusing it to the full extent.

Drunks normally come in the store on the weekend. They roam around, searching for the perfect drink to get intoxicated and wipe away memories of their past work week.

The following are 10 proven ways to know when someone is an alcoholic:

1. They walk straight to their bottle (some could do this with their eyes closed, no lie).

2. They already know (by heart) what the total price of their bottle will be, plus tax.

3. They purchase plastic bottled pints. (A customer once told me he calls them "pocket pals".)

4. They are wearing the same clothes they wore the day prior (not always the case but quite common).

5. They reek of their drink. (Tequila is the most noticeable, especially Jose Cuervo, bleh!)

6. They pay in change (gotta love $3.50 in dimes and nickels).

7. They take more than their share of free candy for their kids (because they spent all their change on the bottle).

8. Their hands shake as they slide their debit card. (I’ve had to enter pin numbers on multiple occasions.)

9. They know the store's staff members by name (and go out of their way to say "hi" daily, as if we are their only friends).

And last but not least…

10. They are waiting outside the door when we open at 11 a.m. (we employees call this group "the breakfast club").


Marilyn said...

Good job Chase! Glad you're not any of those:)

carolinaheartstrings said...

What a great job by your "resident ghost" poster!!! Very entertaining.

bbsmum said...

You have free candy? I can control my drinking, but FREE CANDY???? I want, I need, gimme gimme...

rubyslipperz said...

I'm thinking that this post is a LOT more true than "funny". I've known several VERY wonderful loving people and Alc O. Hall stole their life away... =(


Lynn said...

Oh man, you must see it all. Waiting outside the door at 11? Holy cow.

Asher Kade said...

OMG. This was so funny I liked to fall out of my chair laughing!!!I plan to post a link to this as a blog post in the near future....thanks so I am married to and have so many alcoholic family members, I just want to say I LOVED this Dee!!

Arby said...

And the number one way to know for certain whether or not someone is an alcoholic? When they say, "I am powerless over alcohol, and my life has become unmanageable."

Lora said...

I know someone who fits this description exactly! Thanks for the chuckle.

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